The Caffeinated Dragon

Once upon a time in a land far away, (or maybe not so far- I guess it would depend on your global location) there was a little queen and her even littler princess. The queen was strong of spirit and had no need of a silly king to help her rule her realm (or raise her daughter). 


The queen had a treasure of the greatest value. It was stronger than diamonds and more valuable than gold (at least this early in the morning). It was sought after by all. Coffee it was, and the little queen had all there was in all the land. But she was a good and kindly ruler; she shared the royal brew with all the people. Knights and ladies, peasants and merchants, beggars and nobles alike had coffee every morning.


There were some rulers of other realms who sought the hand of the queen. They did not love her, though she was lovely and kind. They wanted only one thing from the powerful beauty (ok, maybe two things, but this IS a children's story) - her coffee.


The queen was much more clever than her suitors thought her. She didn't fall for their wiles, as she knew their proclaimations of love to be false. There was one suitor in the many, many men that did indeed seem to be sincere. He made no announcements of love, and laid no claim to her treaures (any of them).  The little queen thought she could let this prince begin to court her.


Now, beyond the mountains on the outer borders of the little queen's lands lived a dragon. The dragon could smell the coffee that was brewed every morning. He could smell the royal beans being roasted the whole day through. The aroma was so mouth-watering, it was driving the poor dragon crazy!


If you know anything about dragons, you know they hoard treasure. They desire to have all the valuable things and not to share them. He wanted this coffee. The aroma alone was more valuable than half his hoard. The dragon had a keen sense of smell, but his eyesight was sharper yet. He would sit atop his mountain and watch the castle where the queen lived.


The dragon watched the castle and the little royal family. He especially liked watching the tiny princess play in the courtyard. She caused her queen mother loads of trouble with her mischief. It amused the giant fire-breather to no end! But the poor dragon was still being driven crazy by the coffee. Even the princess could not distract him for long.


His java crazed mind struck on an idea. It was a terrible, awful idea. He would take the tiny princess and ransom her for the coffee! (Like I said, he was going crazy.) Normally dragons keep to themselves and aren't actually mean. They just sometimes have a hoarding problem.


The lure of the coffee was just too much for the half crazed creature. He began to watch and wait for his chance to steal the tiny princess away. (He had quite a long wait though, as the little queen never left the princess unattended.)


Finally, he saw his chance! The mischievous princess slipped away from her mother and the guards during a game of hide-and-seek. (The little queen and the guards were all unaware that they were playing this game!) As the tiny princess lay under the royal hedges giggling at her own cleverness, the dragon swooped in silent as a cat and snatched the baby girl away. The dragon flew away with the child safely in his closed fist. He peeked inside to assure himself that the princess was unharmed. She was sitting in his palm looking at him with eyes as big as saucers. He was afraid she might cry, but she didn't.


She looked around as they flew through the air and a smile began to light up her tiny face. The smile turned into a giggle, which made the dragon giggle too. (If you have ever seen a dragon giggle, you are lucky indeed. It is very rare; only 24 instances in all of history has a dragon ever giggled.) The dragon giggle made the tiny princess laugh out loud! Luckily, by this time, they had reached the dragon's mountain home. His reaction to the laughter of the princess was a full-on rolling on the cave floor belly laugh.


After the baby princess and the dragon finally stopped laughing, the dragon realized he had made some big mistakes. First of all, nobody had seen him take the tiny princess so nobody would know who to pay the ransom to. In addition to that the dragon didn't leave a ransom note. No one would know to bring coffee in exchange for the princess. And to top it all off, he had begun to feel guilty for kidnapping the baby girl.


He looked toward the castle, and the little queen was frantically searching for the tiny princess. Now he felt REALLY bad. The little queen loved her daughter so much. It was tearing out the queen's heart. She was terrified! The dragon had seen the queen go through many challenges including attacks from enemies and coffee shortages. But he had never seen her scared before. He looked over at the little princess and she looked back at him with her big blue eyes. She said, "Mama." He steeled his resolve. He knew what he had to do, and it would not be easy....


Back at the castle, the queen and her guard were still searching for the baby. The entire household searched in a panic, for the tiny princess had charmed everyone else as easily as she had the dragon and was beloved by all. Even the queen's would-be suitor was in a frightful state of distress over the missing child.


Just as the queen was about to order the search extended beyond the castle walls, a giant dragon landed in the gardens. The queen watched in utter amazement as the dragon gently lowered his fist to the ground right in front of her. He opened his claws and there sat the tiny princess safe and sound. The queen snatched up her daughter in a fierce hug and almost cried.


The dragon hung his head in shame. He apologized to the queen for taking the baby. He explained that he just wanted the coffee, it was driving him insane to smell it all the time. "All that I have is yours, Queen. My hoards of gold and jewels are all I have to give in recompense for the pain I have caused you."


The queen was glad to have her daughter back, and felt the dragon had learned his lesson. She also needed to show that she was not weak and would not tolerate this kind of crime. The tiny princess looked over at the very sad dragon and said, "Puppy." Then she looked at her mother, pointed to herself, nodded and said, "Mine." The queen smiled at her baby girl. She thought for a moment and realized that she had the perfect solution.


"Dragon, we do not want your hoard of riches. My daughter is worth more than all the wealth in all the lands. You want coffee? You shall have coffee. You will now be in service to the royal coffee house. From now until the end of your days you will roast the royal coffee beans."


The dragon could not believe his ears! She was punishing him with coffee? But the queen went on... "In addition to the coffee beans, you will be personally responsible for the safety of all the generations of the royal children until the end of your days."


Now the dagon was amazed. He got to have coffee and he would get to play with the princess every day? What the dragon didn't know was that the queen could see that he was truly remorsefull for his actions.


"Will you swear your loyalty to my house?" The little queen asked. "This is an oath that will last to the end of you life. As dragons are immortal, that is a very long time."


Without hesitation, the dragon swore his loyalty to the little queen and her descendants. The dragon was happy, the queen was happy, and the princess was happy. And they all lived happily ever after!

THE END

The Biblical Story of Coffee

And on the eighth day, God created coffee. He tasted it and saw that it was good. 

Some of the angels were jealous. God had made the heavenly brew for the earth and the dwellers thereof. The coffee was awesome, and made for a mighty temptation. One among them was chosen to ask the Lord to bestow mercy and favor on them so that they might enjoy the brew as well.

The angel, though fearing God, asked, "Are we not your loving and deserving servants? Do you not love us as well as your earthly creations?"

God smiled down upon the trembling angel and spoke, "My child of perfection, you are quaking already. I fear the coffee would cause you to shake so that the heavens themselves would fall apart!" God laughed mightily at his own jest, but took mercy on the angels and gave them coffee. And it was good.

There was in this time one angel who was not content with sharing the coffee. He would have all the java to himself. Secretly he conspired to take the arabica from God, so that He would have no more caffeine. 

This angel was in an exalted position; he was the server of the holy espresso. His heart began to become as black as café noir.

The angel that would take the coffee was able to convince others to join with him. They plotted to steal the bean juice from heaven, so no other could partake of the magnificent infusion.

God knew of this plot, and His heart was heavy. He called all the angels unto Him. "My children, I love you all; even those of you that do not return the sentiment."

Now there was a great and nervous shuffling of angelic feet. God continued, "I know there is one among you who is unhappy. Please come forward." 

The mighty and merciful Lord of Hosts waved the offending angel closer to Him, "I know what you have been trying to do. You covet the coffee. Caffeine has become your master."

God had compassion for the misled angel, but went on, "Have you learned nothing from the plight of your disavowed sibling Lucifer?"

The angel stood with his head bent low in shame. He was sorry, but his deeds could not be undone. He knew he should be banished to hell for his traitorous acts. He thought possibly God would create a second place, not unlike Lucifer's underworld.

God looked into the heart of the angel and saw that he did repent. "My child, though you are no longer a child of perfection I will not banish you to hell."

The Almighty took pity on the offender, "You must, however, be taught a lesson. You will live out a human life before you return here."

Turning to the rest of the divine assemblage, God declared, "This angel will no longer be known as 'Joe'. He will be sent to earth with those who would have conspired with him. They will spend their days toiling for the beans they so coveted." 

The Heavenly Father turned to Joe the angel and said, "You, my repentant one, will hereafter be known as Juan Valdez."

And the whole of heaven rejoiced, for God truly is wise and merciful. Heaven has coffee and there continues to be a single hell, which does NOT have coffee.

THE END